Muffled Screams
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Sad fic... Julia, missing Spike, letting her life go down the drain. One-Shot.


"**Muffled Screams**"   
**Written**: _3-16-04_

    The quiet strains of "Words That We Couldn't Say" drifted over the speakers as Julia sat in the middle of the floor, one hand clutched around a can of soda that was quickly growing warm in her grasp. On her face, there was a distant look, as if she didn't really know where she was. Blonde hair, looking oddly oily, hung down her back in dull waves, having lost its once lustrous shine. She wore an old and tattered black T-shirt, a stain down the front of it testifying to being used quite a bit. Her bare feet were crossed beneath her body, and she barely registered that she was using body heat to keep them warm.

    A knocking began on the door, but she ignored it. It was the same knocking that had been coming every day at the same time, when Lin or his brother Shin got away from the syndicate's rigorous schedule for a few minutes to 'check up' on her. Ever since Spike had fled, they had been concerned for Julia's physical and mental health. She always refused to answer the door, even when they called for her. 

    The worry in their tones didn't concern her; nothing did anymore. Spike had left, and she had never imagined that she could feel that bad. Didn't the promises they'd made to each other matter? Another beginning, only this time without an end, was most likely what Spike was now getting himself involved. She sighed, looking up at the ceiling tiles as the knocking at the door slacked off. She had never gotten a chance to tell Spike of her plans for them; what she had envisioned their future to be like.

    The DJ on the radio began a slow lament about love gone wrong, and Julia could only laugh mirthlessly. You could listen to other's accounts of how they'd fallen so deeply in love and gotten their heart broken, but it wasn't until it finally happened to you that you would understand just how badly it hurt. They said that experiencing life first-hand was the easiest way to learn, but when you finally experienced the pain of heartbreak, you would want to keep your loved ones from feeling that pain as well. But no one can listen -- it's almost a human trait to rush headlong into a relationship where, eventually, your heart will be broken and the crippling pain will bring you to your knees.

    Some gave all, and all gave some, but it was when you truly gave up your soul to a relationship and found everything to be lost to you that you realize… Maybe it's not worth it. She had feel head over heels in love with Spike, but in the end, he had left.

    _I never meant to hurt you. Did I really break your heart, as you said_?

    Spike had left, saying that Julia hadn't been what he had expected when he'd first gotten in the relationship with her. Somewhere along the way, Julia had become everything that he hated, and the pain of his departure had ripped through her like a million knives cutting into sensitive flesh. That wasn't a way to go; it wasn't a way to break a heart.

    After three years of love and devotion, of doing what she had thought would make him happy, Julia had suddenly lost his love. He had left… That was the one thing that Julia couldn't get over. How had he gone so easily? She hadn't mattered to him at all in the last months, it had only been an act on his part to "soften the blow", but it had failed. She still hurt now, even months after he'd disappeared from her life.

    She still saw him every now and then, usually looking happy with friends or with a female nearby, but she made it a point to avoid him. Julia didn't want to hear how happy he was; what was going on in his life; none of it. Barely even leaving her own house, she found herself almost a hermit. Hidden from life, from love, from existence. Spike's rejection had ripped her soul apart, and she didn't think that she'd ever heal from it.

    A chill breeze wafted in through the open window, but Julia barely noticed the coolness that hit her body. It was nearing the middle of March, a cold season, but she hadn't paid much attention to the weather lately. She went through the automatic motions of life -- eating, sleeping, showering at least once a week -- but it just wasn't the same. When she didn't have to eat to keep up her energy, or any other life-sustaining activity, she was on the middle of her floor, listening to the slow songs on the radio, seeing only images of Spike in her mind.

    Minutes, hours, years… Her heart couldn't tell the time, only that it stretched interminably until it all blurred together. It felt like years, but it hadn't quite reached that stretch yet. Would she still be in love with him, waiting for him, years from now? Most likely. It felt that her life had begun when she'd met him, and ended when he'd disappeared from her life. 

    Silent tears slipped from her eyes, falling down her cheeks to land in her lap. Sobbing quietly, she rolled away the empty soda can, curling into a ball on the floor as she cried -- the same as she did every night. Two or three tears would fall from her eyes and then she would curl up, pain crushing her heart in its cruel grip but no tears falling from her eyes save for the first few. 

    _Spike had always hated women who cried_… 

*** 

    **Author's Notes**: ... Err... Dark room, sad songs, empty life? That's the only explanation I can give for this fic. x_x;; 


End file.
